Radio Silence

I know its been forever since I posted and just as long from my last post to the post before that.  In the fast pace world of the internet, radio silence means you do not exist.  Well, I am, still here, still pursuing art, but I wasn't sure that was going to be the case.

Its been no secret that the time and energy to launch not only into art licensing but into the art industry as a whole had been wearing on me for a while.  As much as you want to keep going, reaching for what at one point seemed like the bottomless pit of energy and drive, it isn't always possible.  I had come to the reality that I couldn't do it any longer and without my concious intent, things came to a screeching halt.  

When you put everything you have into achieving a goal, even to the expense of other areas of your life, it is crushing when you don't see it happening.  Up until that point I had kept everything afloat, the job, the child, the house and changing my career, but what gets given up when things start to fall?  If you haven't "made it" on 150% effort, how on earth do you make it on less than that?  I had a million thoughts running through my head and advice from all directions but in the end the only thing I saw as a possibility of putting down was the art.  This realization was crushing to me since in truth, it was the desire to pursue this industry that fueled all those extra hours.  

The funniest part of all this is nothing had particularly "happened" that made me think I was failing.  I think it was things not happening in the time I had allotted them to that caused this instant unraveling.  So although everything had been going well, if I didn't have the energy to do basic things I didn't have the energy to keep up the almost super woman existence I had been leading. The truth is that I pushed very hard to get to and  through Surtex this past Spring, hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and that didn't come.  What I came away with is I may have another 2-3 years of very hard work until I start to see the tide changing.  It was a crushing blow and I spent many months grieving the life and career lost.  That probably sounds extreme but its really the only thing I can equate it to.  

In the end it was my Husband, who I think would have to admit, has not always been a fan of this pursuit of mine, who said maybe it was time I put down the day job to concentrate on art.  It was that comment amidst the "not everyone gets to do what they love for work", "art isn't a reality for MOST people", "you gave it your best shot" that stuck.  I decided to create my own light at the end of the tunnel.  So January 1st, the date that I had set with hopeful timidness last February, will be the end of my steady employment.  It is not something done lightly, I have been with them for eight and a half years and have been working to get them settled in a way I will feel good about leaving.  Its a very difficult thing to explain to people as job offers have presented themselves to take its place that although they are great options, I am leaving for what I believe to be my BEST option.  It is most definitely the one with the biggest unknowns but as many risks as I have taken in the past four years, I can't say I really ever took a financial one.  

I want to think I will sleep more, blog more, create more, do more, but I suppose I won't really know what my days will be until I get there.  I am the antithesis of my previous planning self!  I really don't know what is ahead in terms of things to worry about or to be excited about but that's all "future thinking" as my dear friend says, there is just as much a chance of success as failure.  I still have a few weeks left (seven, but who's counting!) until my new schedule takes affect.  Its a mix of relief and worry as it nears but I'm ready for this.  Ready for the leap.