Surtex is coming up and coming up fast. I'm pulling together new collections, designing ads, sending out press releases and making all sorts of plans. I am SUCH a planner, no matter what I do; I will never be good at winging it or playing things by ear. I am also someone who puts extreme pressure on myself to consistanly move forward and when I don't feel like things are progressing or happening fast enough, I start questioning if I even have the ability to do so.
Its had me thinking, perhaps I'm just an uphill person. A person who tends to work really hard for things, someone who could never cut corners, someone who doesn't have things neccissarily fall into place. I feel like I could perform the same task as someonelse but I would create 20 steps to their one. It doesn't always mean we will come out with the same result technically but to most people does that even matter? I find myself questioning my art and style and approach as I watch many I admire in the industry and in my life have things happen much quicker than I see in my own career. I know it is just a death wish to even compare myself (even just a little) to others, but it happens.
I know, and love, a few downhill people. Those who just go with the flow, don't stress out about progress and goals and yet they achieve them, sometimes even getting the things I've worked for, or am STILL working for, as the opportunities present themselves. I struggle with this so much but when I separate my self comparison out, I truly am happy and excited for all their successes, it just tends to make me feel as if my best just isn't good enough. I start to wonder if I will ever get my chance. I want to believe that hard work is rewarded the way it was in school, but that isn't always the way things work. Sometimes people are successful and sometimes they are not, life is not a fair grader.
I'm not sure it's necessarily a bad thing, this uphill person I am, because when opportunities do occur I really feel as if I've earned them. I can literally tell you all the little bits and pieces which helped it fall into place. The truth is, if I am somehow able to meet all these crazy goals I have for myself, it won't matter to me if it was an uphill battle or not. I'm good at those after all! It will not matter if it took me 20 hours to someone else's one, the point is to get there. I hope I will get to experience those downhill moments but for now, I just need to keep plugging away, keep climbing, keep working, and keep moving ahead.